


In the Still of the Night

by Mice



Series: Moments Sacred and Profane [24]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M, Polyamory, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 05:06:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1845367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The siege has taken a terrible toll on the Atlanteans but once it's over, there are other issues to resolve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Still of the Night

**Author's Note:**

> Betabits by Pas, Heuradys, kt4ever, Zortified, and AmIReal. Spell Czech by Cattie.

_He felt himself cradled_  
 _by strong arms._  
 _He opened his eyes_  
 _in those arms_  
 _and saw the stars._  
~~David Whyte -- from _This Time_ ~~

 

Rodney and Carson watched as the screen lit with the force of the explosion while the self-destruct klaxon sounded. Carson's eyes closed, shock and anguish on his face, and Rodney's heart seized in his chest. Sheppard had taken out the Hiveship. His best friend had just died for all of them.

And Carson, his lover, was next.

"Target has been neutralized," Sgt. Campbell said.

"He did it," Elizabeth said softly.

"Yeah," Rodney agreed, stricken. "He did it." He looked at Carson, who looked back at him. Carson's face was a mask of grief and despair. Rodney didn't want to let him go but there was no one else. Everyone else was fighting for their lives, trying to get to the Gateroom, or at the Alpha site already. Rodney had to stay. The survival of the entire city depended on him and Carson couldn't take his place. No one could.

He hated himself. He'd rather die than let Carson go, but neither of them had that choice. There was nothing, nothing at all that he could do about it.

"Dr. Weir, I'm picking up another ship," Campbell said, surprised. His console was beeping at him.

Elizabeth's alarm was palpable. "Another Hiveship?"

"Negative. I'm reading an IDC." Campbell looked astonished but hopeful.

When the voice came over the radio, Rodney almost passed out. "Atlantis, this is Sheppard."

"John?" Elizabeth's shock expressed everything Rodney felt in that moment. He thought he was hallucinating. Stimulants did that sometimes, and he'd been hyped on them for days now. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slowed down, much less had an hour's sleep.

"What other Sheppards do you know?" God. That snark. It had to be -- but it couldn't. Sheppard was dead.

"Oh my god." Carson's relieved voice flowed over Rodney, almost convincing him this was real.

"No," Rodney said, not willing to trust his obviously failing, drug-addled faculties. "No, that can't be. We saw the Hiveship go up."

"I assure you, Dr. McKay," a new voice said, "that Major Sheppard is alive and well."

"Who is this?" Elizabeth asked, confused. 

"Colonel Steven Caldwell, commander of the Daedalus. We are ready to assist you."

Rodney and Carson looked at each other and Carson swatted Rodney's shoulder, grinning. Rodney wouldn't have to watch him die. He barely kept himself from throwing his arms around Carson. "Oh, thank you!" he gasped, slumping into a seat at the console, hands over his face, his relief too much to bear.

Elizabeth replied and disengaged the self-destruct and the next thing Rodney knew, the Daedalus beamed down a couple of beefy Marines with a ZPM. He ran to them. Had he been in private, he probably would have come in his shorts, but that would have been terribly undignified. Then again, considering the drugs racing through his system, he doubted he'd be able to get it up again for weeks, assuming they lived through the attack. 

"How did they do that?" Carson asked, confused. Obviously he'd never seen any of the more sophisticated Asgard technology before.

Rodney started to answer Carson when Sheppard interrupted. A moment later, Rodney was working on the shield subroutines, everything else a blur around him.

Despite his frantic work, almost getting slurped by a Wraith, a last-second save on the shields with less than twenty seconds to go before the city was shattered in a Wraith kamikaze attack, _and_ Elizabeth giving him the rest of the day off, Rodney didn't have a moment to breathe until a few hours later, when most of the Wraith had been cleared from the city.

Going back to his quarters, Rodney fell into bed, clothes and all, desperately wanting sleep. His entire body was vibrating with the stimulants in his system. He could barely close his eyes. Part of him wanted to call Carson, hoping that his lover lying with him, holding him, might ease the shaking, but he knew there was too much still going on. Carson would be working for hours yet on the wounded and dying.

He was used to falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow when he was this exhausted. Instead, he found himself tossing and turning, unable to do more than shiver and breathe, and even the breathing part was harder than usual. Rodney's stomach roiled with nausea and he groaned quietly. "Damn it, Carson," he muttered miserably, "why can't you just be here?"

Rodney had no idea how long ago he'd slept last. It might have been days, but it could just as easily have been a week. He had no idea where anyone was anymore. So many had fled to the Alpha Site in the chaos, under Elizabeth's orders to clear the city when the self-destruct was armed. Who even had a clue how many had died or been taken by the Wraith before the shield had been raised?

He tried to remember how long he'd been working, just wondering how many days it had been since the madness began, but his mind wouldn't fix on anything. His eyelids twitched painfully when he tried to close them. It was more like forcing them closed, and he ached everywhere. Rodney's heart hammered in his chest, fluttering far too quickly. He thrashed around, unable to relax at all. Taking deep breaths didn't calm him in the least. If he was less jittery, he thought he might cry, even if it was incredibly stupid and useless.

Rolling onto his back, he pounded the mattress with his fist. "Damn it!" he snarled. "Sleep!"

Eyes open, he could see nothing but the red flash of the Wraith bombardment hitting the shield outside his window, painting the room red. All he could do was wait and hope sleep would claim him.

*** 

Carson moved through the chaos around him as serenely as he could, considering the Wraith were bombarding the city and his infirmary was full beyond its capacity. They'd set up to be a small clinic when they'd come to Atlantis, not a battlefield triage center or a London emergency ward. There were so many wounded that anyone not dying or severely injured was being given minor treatment or painkillers and sent away. He probably had twenty people lying in beds, in surgery, or sitting here and there about the place. Seven were dead. Another dozen or more were missing and presumed dead, taken by the Wraith. 

It was a horrific number. They'd come to Atlantis with only about 200 people, and the forty or more dead, injured and missing represented almost a quarter of that population. The fact that the majority of the dead and missing were men Colonel Everett brought with him only days ago was no comfort whatsoever. 

When Carson considered how many had died in the year leading up to Everett's ostensible rescue mission, the statistics got even worse. His stomach knotted and he wondered how Rodney and Radek were doing, if they'd even got ten minutes for a lie down yet. He turned to Col. Everett. The man was wasted and elderly now, having barely survived a Wraith feeding. 

"Dr. Beckett," Everett said. His voice was strained and exhausted. He reached up with one trembling hand, and Carson took it.

"Colonel," he replied. "Are you comfortable? We're doing what we can."

Everett nodded carefully. He took a breath and coughed, trembling, as he tried to speak. "How long?"

Carson sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before looking into Everett's. "I don't know," he said honestly. "We've not dealt with survivors of Wraith feedings before." The admission itself was a telling one. "From the condition your body's in, though, if we're able to send you back to Earth, perhaps a year. Likely less. I'm very sorry."

Everett's eyes slipped closed briefly. "Wonder what Penny will say," he muttered. Gathering himself, he looked back up at Carson. "I need to talk to Major Sheppard. Please."

Carson hesitated but he read no anger in Everett's face. "Right enough, then," he said. "I'll have him called. I don't know where he is right now, but I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he's able. You rest now. Sleep if you can." 

He left as Everett sagged back into his pillow then radioed Elizabeth, knowing she would find the Major. Carson's time was needed for other, more immediate things. He spent the better part of twenty minutes dealing with one emergency after another when he got an unexpected call.

"Atlantis? This is Dr. Novak on the Daedalus. You're gonna need some SOs in your infirmary before we beam your man down."

"We already do, Doctor," he replied, gesturing to a pair of security men. "Beam away."

When Ford appeared on his infirmary floor, soaking wet, with a Wraith stuck to his chest like some obscene lamprey, the Marines reacted quickly. Carson shuddered. "Good lord, let's get this thing off of him!"

Terrified, he approached Ford, one of the corpsmen at his side, the Marines with weapons at the ready. Carson reached out one hand and gingerly touched the Wraith. There was no reaction. It had been shot and appeared dead, but Carson was unwilling to take chances.

He and the corpsman eventually ended up having to pry the dead Wraith's hand from Ford's chest with a considerable amount of force. What shocked Carson most was that Ford himself was still alive. All indications during the examination, and questions of when he'd last been seen, were that he'd been in the freezing water outside the city's shields for over an hour. The implications were staggering.

One of Ford's pupils was blown, huge and black like the glassy eye of a bull. If he could still see out of it, the light would be excruciating. Carson had blast glasses put on him as soon as he felt Ford's physical survival was no longer in immediate jeopardy. The next issue was how Ford had managed to survive. Blood and other samples were taken.

Carson barely noticed the passage of time as he worked frantically in the lab, awaiting results between bouts of continuing activity in the infirmary's emergency areas. He was exhausted and, much as he hated it, there was no end in sight. He needed another stimulant. He wondered if he'd be in any condition to treat anyone before this was over.

When the results finally came back, he called in Sheppard and Elizabeth. Nothing about this was good.

*** 

Erin Siwicki wiped sweat from her grimy, smoke-stained face. Her glasses were filthy but she didn't bother wiping them on her shirt. It was even dirtier. She'd been fighting fires in the East Tower with damage control team ten since everyone had been recalled from the Alpha site when the shield went up. 

She'd been shoved through the Gate to the Alpha site in the chaos of the last moments before the Daedalus arrived, the self-destruct klaxon blaring. Everyone had been in a panic, and her leg ached abominably because she'd landed on her ass on the other side. She found herself wishing she were still on crutches.

She hadn't seen Rob Stackhouse since just before the evac and wondered if he'd survived. She wondered if any of her friends had made it. Rodney she'd heard loudly complaining over the radio as she passed through the Gateroom, so unless a Wraith had gotten him during the bug hunt under the shield's protection, he was still fine. She uttered a silent prayer of thanks as she leaned against the wall, taking a deep draught from the canteen that was being passed around.

"Siwicki," one of the Marines said.

She looked up. "Yo."

"You're limping real bad. Go take a break. Get some food and some rest." He gestured down the hallway. "We've got suppression done here. We'll call you if we need you anytime in the next two hours before our shift's over."

"Gotcha." She wasn't about to argue. Firefighting was filthy, exhausting work, and her leg was wobbling badly as she staggered to a transporter. She made a brief stop by the infirmary to see if anyone she knew was in there, but the docs weren't letting anyone in who wasn't concussed, bleeding, or otherwise on death's door. The frantic activity she could see just looking inside was enough to convince her she didn't need to be underfoot.

In the mess, she collapsed slowly into a chair, a tray of food in front of her. She'd been too fried to look around, but was relieved to see familiar faces now that she had a moment. Nobody from the Thursday Night Crew, but at least some of the folk she worked with regularly were whole and resting. They all looked as filthy and wiped out as she felt.

"Hey, Siwicki." Rob Stackhouse dropped in to the chair next to her.

She reached up and patted his shoulder. "Stacks, dude. You look like shit."

"Was about to say the same thing to you." He gave her a pale shadow of a grin. "Seen Jacks?" There was worry in his eyes, drawn in tight lines.

Erin shook her head. "Nada. I stopped by the infirmary, but if you're not dying they're not letting you in. I have no idea where any of the Crew are."

"Fuck," Rob said softly.

"'Bout the size of it," she agreed. "Bug hunt going okay?"

He nodded. "Got the last of 'em a little while ago. Blew out a chunk of one of the piers. Three more guys hurt. What have they had you doing?"

"Damn, that sucks. They've had me on fire suppression."

He shuddered. "Ugh."

She sighed and rested her chin in both hands. "I don't know what the hell was burning, but man, it smells awful. Probably toxic as hell too. I have a miserable grainy headache behind my eyes and my sinuses feel like they've been sandpapered. What do you bet it'll shorten my life by a good ten years, the fumes I've been steeping in?"

"You need a shower, girlie." He poked her tray. "Eat something. You look like McKay about to pass out from manly hunger."

She grimaced and stuffed a bite of whatever into her mouth. "What, and put clean clothes on to go back out and get this way again? I've only got two sets of good uniforms left."

"Maybe the Daedalus brought some for resupply." Rob shrugged. He took a long swallow of his drink.

She snorted. "If they brought chocolate, that would be enough."

"Oh, god, there you are." They both looked up at the voice. Bren Henderson's arm was in a sling and she looked horrible.

"Bren?" Erin pulled out a chair for her. "What happened? You okay?"

Henderson ignored her and took Stackhouse's hand. "Jesus, Rob, I'm so sorry."

"What?" Rob asked. He blinked and went sheet white. "Jacks?" he whispered.

Bren's eyes closed. "Oh hell, nobody... oh fuck." She squeezed his hand, her voice breaking. "Wraith got him. We nailed the fuckers with a grenade and that didn't drop 'em. Shot those bastards up good but they kept coming. I got tossed and he got... oh man. De Lancie..." She choked to a stop.

"Oh god," Rob whispered. "Oh, shit, no."

Erin could almost feel her brain being squeezed through a sieve at the news. She'd known it was likely a lot of people weren't going to survive this. Hell, they'd all been expecting to die, but to be sitting here still alive and know that Rob's lover was gone left her in shock. A moment later the three of them were huddled in a knot of mutual grief, Rob shaking with his tears.

Rob and Jacks had kept it quiet, but Bren had known, and so had a few others. Here in the privacy of the crowded mess, with others also shocked, grieving and exhausted, they could express what they felt before the walls of military formality came down in the aftermath.

*** 

"Come to bed, Rodney," Carson insisted. "You've been up for days now. I can't stand watching you pace like that." He was shaky coming off the stimulant high he'd been on for the better part of two days. Rodney still had to deal with the potential for twelve Hiveships approaching, and while he hadn't had another dose recently, he was still hyped on the last shot he'd had.

Rodney shook his head. "I can't. I just -- I can't stop vibrating, okay?" His hands moved rapidly, describing erratic arcs in the air.

"Please." Carson stood and took Rodney's flailing hands in his own.

"Jesus, Carson, everything _itches_. My eyeballs itch. My hair feels like it's gonna crawl off by itself." He shuddered and jerked away from Carson's grasp.

"Rodney, this isn't good for you. You _need_ some rest, and when you finally do come off the stimulants, it's goin' to be ugly." He grabbed one of Rodney's wrists and tugged at him. "Listen to me!"

Rodney whirled on him, eyes blazing. "Don't _touch_ me!" he barked. Carson refused to let go.

"You're going to collapse sooner rather than later if you don't slow down, _mo leannan_?." He pulled Rodney carefully into his arms and they stood together, clinging, trembling badly.

"I-I can't," Rodney said softly, his voice cracking. "Can't stop thinking about the Hiveships coming. What if something goes wrong? What do we do?" His arms tightened around Carson and Carson started slowly stroking his back.

"It'll be a day at least before the Daedalus gets back. You need to rest. Please, please, come to bed." Carson turned them toward the bedroom door and this time Rodney didn't resist. He moved Rodney gently, whispering to him, trying to reassure him things would turn out. He had to admit to himself that he wasn't so sure it was true, but for the moment he had to at least make Rodney believe it.

When they got to the bed, Carson tugged Rodney's shirt off and Rodney worked at his belt buckle, hands shaking. Carson moved them and worked at Rodney's belt himself, but his own hands weren't much steadier. Eventually they were both undressed and he eased Rodney under the covers with him. "Breathe, love," he said quietly. "Just breathe slow and deep and let it out."

He tried to follow his own advice and both of them lay there, holding each other, trying to breathe in rhythm. Hands moved slowly over soft skin, pressing enough not to aggravate the itching, and little by little it was helping.

"I hate this I hate this I hate this," Rodney mumbled, his breath warm in Carson's ear. 

"Just breathe," Carson told him again. "Don't try to think of anything."

"Can't help it," Rodney said. "I can't -- you were next. God, you were gonna go flying off into nothing and blow yourself to shit, Carson. I _hate_ this."

Carson shuddered violently and Rodney held him tighter. "It didn't happen," Carson hissed, insistent. "We're here, we're alive. John's alive."

"You know what he said to me?" Rodney asked, hysteria creeping into his voice as he started rocking against Carson's body. "'So 'long, Rodney.' That's what he said. Fucking 'so long, Rodney.' Can you believe that?"

Carson rocked with him, gentling the motion as best he could. His stomach knotted with remembered terror. "We're here," he said again. One hand found Rodney's face. "Please," he whispered. He felt tears rising and tried to choke them back, but the combined horrors of the past weeks were closing in on him and he wasn't sure he could comfort Rodney when his own emotions were so stretched and taut. "I love you," he gasped. "You need to calm down, love. I need to calm down. Just-just please, breathe with me, will you?"

Rodney's breathing was harsh, but they finally found their rhythm, lungs filling as their bodies moved and rocked together. It was like rocking a child, slow and gentle and side to side and they cried silently on each other's shoulders, letting the terror bleed out of them, drop by slow drop.

The heat of their fear left them sweating, but Carson didn't care. They might tremble, but they were doing it together, in each other's arms. It was what he'd badly needed these last few days, but neither had had the time. The pain of it was sharp and aching and Carson's head throbbed with the tension of it and the pressure of his weeping.

"It's not over," Rodney breathed. "God, I don't know how much more I can take. I can hardly think straight and people still want me to save everyone."

"Not now, not now," Carson insisted, sniffling. "Don't think now, _mo leannan_ , just be. I need you to just be here. Can you do that for me?"

Rodney nodded against his cheek. "I'm trying, but everything's spinning in my head. It's like being drunk but worse. It's like every fucking cell in my body is vibrating in a different direction."

Carson chuckled at the absurdity of it. "There aren't that many directions." He held on tighter.

Rodney's fingers dug into his back. "How would you know, Doctor Doesn't-Have-A-Degree-In-Physics?"

Carson smiled, his chuckle getting an edge to it, and he dissolved into hysterical giggles. Rodney growled then giggled with him until they were both shaking so hard from it that the vibration of the stimulants faded to a background hum. Carson's tears still flowed, but the feeling was different now, lighter. Maybe they had a prayer of sleeping after all.

*** 

Radek was in their flat, shaking on the couch with his glasses in hand when Geoff stumbled in. He was exhausted and filthy, his face and clothes smeared with smoke and grime. The bitter, acrid stink of burnt plastic and metal and the chemicals of firefighting clung to him as he entered. Radek leapt to his feet, relieved.

" _Miláčku_!" he shouted. He threw his arms around Geoff, not caring about the fumes. "I was -- I didn't know if you were dead or alive. The Wraith, and I was trying to match lifesigns with people, and the damage control crews were--"

Geoff held him tight. "Radek," he whispered, his voice raw and rasping. "I waited at the Alpha site and you never came and nobody knew what was going on. God, I was terrified for you. After we lost Peter, I just--"

"All I knew, there was recall. People coming back once Rodney got shield up and I never saw you and how did I know what happened when you got back? So many dead, Geoff; so many are missing." Radek's eyes teared up and he buried his face in Geoff's ash encrusted chest.

"Rodney did?" Geoff shifted uneasily. "How many?" Geoff's voice grew rougher, more miserable. "Who?"

Radek shook his head. "Forty, forty five; I don't know. Too many and I cannot remember all the names. My head spins. I have not slept in days. We worked so hard, and building nuclear bombs, Geoff. We thought... Major Sheppard, we thought he was dead, and then the Wraith coming, they were coming and it was like fire from the sky and they are hitting the shield and nothing could have survived the impact -- _bože, ach bože, to bylo strašný_. Oh, Geoff." He held his lover hard and Geoff's hands moved on his back in soothing circles. " _Miluji tě, miluji tě_."

"I can't... god Radek, everything's such a mess. And Hiveships are still on the way. What are we going to do?" Geoff's fingers trailed through Radek's hair, leaving a trail of gooseflesh down his spine. The fingers tightened, tugging a bit, and Radek savored the feeling, letting it anchor him for a moment in the dizzying spin of his thoughts and the vibration of his body.

"Daedalus," Radek whispered, trembling. "If is worst, she can carry us all. We can go back to Earth, and if we are able to destroy the Ancient database the Wraith cannot follow."

"What if we can't?" Geoff asked. "What if the virus doesn't work?"

Radek shook his head, not wanting to think. "Was always risk," he muttered. "If we do not destroy it, everything is lost. There is no way Earth can defend itself. I don't know if the Asgard would help. They..."

Geoff raised Radek's face and kissed his forehead. "I know what they're like. I've heard enough stories." His face was grim, the black scuffs on it shadowing him and making him look fifteen years older.

"Perhaps it will not get to this," Radek said. "Rodney, he and I will think of something."

Geoff's eyes narrowed with anger. "Rodney? He left Peter on that satellite to die!" The venom in his voice was like a physical blow and Radek let go of Geoff and staggered back two steps.

"What?"

Geoff clenched one hand into a fist. "They could have gone back for him, could have saved him. Peter should be here! He should still be alive!"

Radek blinked, unable to believe what he was hearing. "I don't understand. Rodney did everything he could. They had no way to go back for Peter."

"How do you know that?" Geoff snapped. "You know how McKay values his own skin over everyone else's!"

"Geoff? This is not like you. You're Rodney's friend." He held out a hand but Geoff didn't take it.

"I _loved_ Peter," Geoff snapped. "Damn it. He'd have left you behind too, Radek, can't you see?"

Radek shook his head, dizzy and confused, anger welling in him for Rodney's sake. "You... Geoff, you were not in the Gateroom. You did not hear what Rodney was saying, how he sounded. If he could have been there in Peter's place -- it was luck of lots, Geoff! Not deliberate!"

"Rodney gets hysterical," Geoff insisted. "God knows what he'd say to cover his ass."

Radek's hands waved in the air. "I cannot believe you honestly think this. You think I was not falling in love with Peter also? You think I have no pain for his loss? Rodney is many things but he is no liar! He is _lousy_ liar! This is foolishness! This is your grief speaking, Geoff; your brain is scrambled! I will not listen to this!"

Tears left pale tracks down Geoff's cheeks and Radek slipped his glasses back on, trying to focus a little better. There were moments when he thought clearer sight might be clearer thought, but there was no clarity in this at all, only confusion and anger and hurt. "Damn it, Radek," Geoff shouted, "you're just making excuses for him! I know how you feel about him. Don't let that blind you to what he's done!"

Radek stood for a moment, open-mouthed in shock. "I... Geoff!" He spun on one heel and ran for the door. "No! I am leaving before I say something I know I will regret."

"Radek!"

"Later, when we are both sane again!" He dashed out of their flat, running down the hall as fast as he could, panting breathlessly as his eyes stung with tears.

He passed people in the corridors; individuals who stopped to try to talk with him and groups of people in knots talking and damage control crews hurrying past on their way to some emergency. He spoke with none of them, barely noticing anything but the ambient chaos.

Before long, he found himself standing in another corridor, staring at Rodney and Carson's door. Breathless, he knocked before he could talk himself out of it. Radek hoped they were sleeping, but hoped they were not. They needed it as desperately as he did, but he didn't want to be alone. He didn't want Geoff's grief to hurt Rodney, either. With Geoff so irrational, he thought his lover might try to confront Rodney about it.

He stood, dizzy, thinking about turning away as the seconds dragged by, but Carson answered the door. He looked exhausted, shaky, and half asleep. "Radek?" he said. "What's wrong? Come in."

Radek entered, taking in the dimmed lights. "I... is Geoff. I--"

Carson's eyes widened. "Is he all right? Has something happened? Why wasn't I notified?"

"No, no." Radek shook his head, waving his hands before him. "Is not hurt, not... I just... we fought. He is grieving and it's made him irrational. He... Carson, he is blaming Rodney."

Carson blinked. "Rodney? For what?"

Radek choked on the name. "Peter."

Carson's eyes closed and he deflated. "Oh, lord."

"I just... I..." Radek stammered to a stop.

"Rodney doesn't need this," Carson rasped. "You don't need this."

"Geoff is not thinking. He does not mean this, but I did not want Rodney to find out from someone else." Radek's shoulders sagged. He ached everywhere from his exhaustion.

Carson's hand rested on his shoulder. "Let me get you a tissue. Come on then, sit with me." He tugged Radek to the couch and pulled a box of tissues from the table beside it. "Here." He handed one to Radek, who took his glasses off and wiped his eyes. Carson sat next to him and put an arm around his shoulder. "You're shaking, lad."

"Is the stimulants," Radek whispered. "I cannot be still. My head, it is spinning badly."

Carson nodded. "Aye, I know how you feel. Rodney's barely asleep and I had the devil of a time even getting him that way."

"I should not be here," Radek said. He looked down at his hands in his lap, a glint of dim light reflecting from his lenses.

Carson sighed heavily. "You've been there for me when I was in a bad way. It's the least I can do to be here for you."

Radek leaned into him, accepting it for what it was but unable to stop his trembling. "He is a bit mad," he said. "I hope he will see that it is his grief. I think he must be angry with someone because he is so afraid." He blinked a few times and continued. "I am afraid too, still. Twelve Hiveships, Carson. I didn't know if he was dead or alive until he came through our door, and he starts with this. What am I to do?"

"Radek?" Rodney's voice was soft as he staggered into the room wearing only his boxers. Radek put his glasses on and regretted it, because Rodney looked far worse than Carson did. He wondered if he looked just as bad. He held out a hand to Rodney, who took it and sat next to him. "Emergency?"

"No." Radek shook his head. "Just Geoff being crazy."

"He okay?" Rodney's brow wrinkled. His eyes had an edge to them that spoke of exhaustion and too little sleep and the same buzz that ran through Radek's veins.

Radek shook his head. "No, he is not." He sighed. "He is grieving for Peter and seeking someone to blame." He looked into Rodney's eyes, seeing the concern there even through all the exhaustion. "I'm afraid he has decided on you, but please, Rodney, you must realize he does not mean this. He is not himself. None of us are."

Rodney let go of Radek's hand and buried his face in both palms. "Oh, god," he whispered, misery in his voice and the slope of his shoulders. "I blame myself enough already."

Radek gritted his teeth. "Must I convince _both_ of you that this was not your fault?"

"Radek," Carson said gently. He stroked Rodney's back from shoulder to waist in long, sweeping movements. "You know it wasn't your fault, Rodney. You had no choice. There was no way to get to him in time."

"I shouldn't have left him." Rodney's voice cracked and Radek put his arms around him, helpless against his friend's pain.

"If you had gone back, if you'd tried to dock with the satellite again, you and Miller also would be dead. And then so would we all, because you were instrumental in saving us when the Wraith arrived."

Rodney sniffled and shook his head. "I installed the ZedPM. You could have done it, and with a lot less shouting."

"And without you, no nuclear bombs done in time to destroy the Hiveship." Radek lifted Rodney's chin. "You think Kavanagh would have been nearly so fast?"

"No." Rodney's whisper was rough and defeated, his eyes closed, lashes wet with his tears. Radek could feel his heart fracture at the expression on Rodney's face. 

"Geoff does not mean it, Rodney. He is angry and grieving and does not know what he's saying. I promise you this. He is your friend. I know he cares for you. Right now, though, all of us, we are broken."

"Rodney," Carson said softly. "It's all right. It's over and there's naught anyone can do. We just have to pick up and move on. And you still need rest, _mo leannan_. You've barely slept."

"You want me to sleep after this?" Rodney snapped, his voice thick and wet.

Radek stroked his fingers through Rodney's hair. "Yes. You must sleep. So must Carson, and so should I. I just... I cannot go back home right now. Facing Geoff as he is, I can't do it."

"Then stay here with us," Carson offered. "Come and curl up with us. Perhaps it'll help."

"I am not going to sleep," Radek said miserably. "It is like a motor inside me, spinning far too fast. Gyroscopic but out of balance."

"None of us has our equilibrium right now," Carson said. He shook his head and took Radek and Rodney both into his embrace. "Listen to me, lads, we all need to try to sleep, bad as it might be. We'll not make it through this if we don't."

The next thing Radek knew, he was being pulled into their bedroom and divested of shoes, shirt and trousers, leaving him in his shorts and t-shirt. Rodney lay down and pulled the covers over himself, shaking in a heap. Carson pressed against Radek's back. "Lie down then. You know we all need what support we can get right now."

Radek nodded and climbed in next to Rodney, who offered him some covers. Carson followed them both and tucked himself close about Radek's back.

"You are sure this is all right?" Radek looked into Rodney's eyes, finding fear and disquiet there.

"Shut up and try to sleep," Rodney muttered, wrapping an arm around him.

With a sigh, Radek rested his head on Rodney's shoulder and tucked his arm about Rodney's waist. He could still feel himself vibrating and Rodney shaking. Carson's tremors were smaller but still there. All of them were cold, but the huddle of their bodies warmed him quickly.

"Sleep, _mo chara_ ," Carson said, and nuzzled at the back of Radek's head. Closing his eyes, Radek hoped they would.

*** 

Carson woke to Rodney's all-too-familiar shout of pain. "Aah! Cramp! Cramp!" Rodney was thrashing about and with Radek in the bed with them, Carson ended up on the floor, wind knocked out of him for a moment.

At least he'd not bloodied Carson's nose this time. Carson staggered to his feet as Radek startled awake with a yelp and a muffled curse in Czech.

"Rodney!" Carson grabbed for the leg Rodney had curled up against him in his arms. Rodney continued shouting. "Radek, get hold of him," Carson snapped.

Radek shook his head to clear it and threw himself on top of Rodney, stopping his flailing long enough for Carson to get his lover's spasming leg stilled. Rodney was yelping and all three were panting with effort as Carson dug fingers into the horrid knot in Rodney's thigh.

There was a high-pitched, keening cry and Rodney shuddered, knuckles white as he gripped Radek's arm. Radek held him tightly, stroking Rodney's side gently with one hand and speaking softly to him. Carson could see the glint of tears on Rodney's face in the dim blue moonlight that limned the bedroom.

Carson kept up with the deep, painful massage, knowing it would take time to get the stone-hard knot to release. Rodney whimpered, shaking in Radek's embrace, no longer fighting them as they tried to help him.

"Rodney, Rodney, breathe," Radek said softly. "And try to let go of my arm. You are hurting me."

"Sorry, sorry," Rodney hissed through clenched teeth. "Hurts, fuck, hate this."

Long minutes later, things had finally eased enough that they were lying together, holding Rodney as he shook with the fading pain. Rodney was panting, his pulse hammering much too hard under Carson's fingers. "Easy, love," Carson whispered. "I know it hurts, but you must calm down a bit."

"Relax," Radek urged him, one hand caressing Rodney's chest. "Deep breaths."

"Breathing," Rodney whimpered. He took Carson's hand in his and squeezed. "Hurts."

"If your heart rate doesn't slow down soon, I'm goin' to want you in the infirmary," Carson said. "You've been on the stimulants too long."

Rodney grimaced. "Can't go off them yet. What if the Daedalus doesn't come back? What if they do, but they haven't dealt with the Wraith?"

"Unfortunately, he is correct," Radek said. He gave Carson a solemn look. "Neither of us can afford to go through withdrawal before we know the outcome of the Daedalus mission. If we must find another way to save the expedition, being in throes of withdrawal will not help anyone."

Carson shook his head, uneasy, and watched as Radek held Rodney close. He knew how Radek felt about Rodney. They'd discussed it not that long ago, really, but he'd never actually seen them this close. Seeing them together like this didn't bother him, it was seeing them both looking so exhausted and worn. "I know," he said, wishing it wasn't true. "But I'm worried that you'll end up in hospital, Rodney." He ran one hand over Rodney's sweating brow.

"Let's see," Rodney said. "Me in the hospital or everyone dead. Hmm. Hard choice there."

"Rodney!" Carson bit his lip, keeping back the harsh thoughts rising within him.

"Carson," Radek said, his voice cautioning. He put a hand on Carson's wrist, fingers stroking gently. "Please. This is not a choice we make lightly."

"No. I love feeling like I'm going to fly apart because my cells are all vibrating in different directions," Rodney snapped. "Can't get enough of that."

Radek curled around Rodney protectively, holding him like a lover. Part of Carson ached to see it, but another part of him was pleased that someone else cared enough to defend Rodney, even if it was from Carson. "I'm just concerned for your health, lads, that's all."

"I... I know, okay?" Rodney said, unconsciously tucking himself closer into Radek's arms. "Really. I just... we have to do this. We don't have a choice."

"I am also feeling it, Carson," Radek said. "Believe me, I know. This is not good for us, but what else is there?"

Carson sighed and scooted up to the head of the bed to sit with them, drawing both of them into his arms. "Sleep would be good," he suggested.

"Don't know if I can." Rodney's voice was thin and exhausted. The look in his eyes was haunted.

Radek nodded. "Nor I."

"At least try," Carson said. "Lie down again, will you?"

Rodney and Radek looked at each other, then back at Carson. They nodded in tandem. "I suppose--" Radek said.

"--we could try," Rodney finished.

Carson gave them a weak smile. "Right enough, then. Have a bit of a lie down." He kept forgetting that they shared a brain sometimes.

The three of them shifted and grumbled, settling back under the covers. This time, Rodney ended up in the middle, which seemed to suit all of them well enough. Carson let Rodney's head rest on his shoulder. Radek took Carson's hand and squeezed it. "You must try to sleep as well," Radek insisted.

"I will," Carson promised. He hoped it was one he could keep.

*** 

"Well, let's see," Rodney snarled. "We've got slow death, quick death, painful death, cold, lonely death--"

Elizabeth ignored his complaints. "Okay, you said yourself that the shield--" she shifted nervously as Lt. Ford fell in beside them walking out of Elizabeth's office, "--should buy us some time at least."

"Where do you want me?" Ford asked, entirely too eager for Rodney's comfort. That blown eye of his gave Rodney serious creeps. He couldn't imagine Carson releasing anyone who looked like Ford did, especially after the kid had nearly died.

"Lieutenant, I--" Elizabeth started, but Carson interrupted her as he ran up the steps.

"Lieutenant! What do you think you're doing here?" Carson looked frustrated and angry, slightly breathless as he came to a stop next to them.

"I'm fine, Doc," Ford said dismissively. "Really, it's cool."

"The hell you are," Carson snapped. "You should be back in bed."

Ford looked at Carson like he was some kind of bug. "I feel great. Just drop it." He turned his back abruptly on Carson.

Carson's face twisted, no doubt offended by Ford's attitude. "I will not just drop it! Not twenty minutes ago you were at death's door. I don't care how spry you're feeling; you need to be under medical supervision." He drew himself to his full height, going for the whole medical doctorly authority thing.

Ford glared at Carson then turned his attention back to Elizabeth. "I'm good to go," he insisted.

Weir blinked, apparently uncertain what to do. Rodney couldn't blame her. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, Lieutenant," she said cautiously, "but I--"

"I-I'm serious!" Ford said, getting more insistent. Rodney grew more uneasy with every passing word. "Just let me prove it. Just give me something to do."

Carson reached out and grabbed Ford's arm. "I don't think so," he grumbled.

Ford whirled and grabbed Carson by the throat, hefting him from the floor and slamming him against the transparent wall behind him. Carson's eyes were wide with panic. "Don't push me around!" Ford snarled.

Rodney was just as startled as Carson and froze, not wanting to make the situation worse. Teyla stepped forward, one hand extended. "Lieutenant!"

Ford just glared at Carson tightening his grip. Rodney was terrified for him, but he was even more afraid that if he did anything, Ford would snap Carson's neck without a second thought. "Put him down, Aiden," Teyla said softly. "He's trying to help you." Ford just snarled. "Aiden," she said again, careful but insistent.

Rodney looked back and forth between them frantically, and Ford's face shifted from rage to horror. "I'm sorry, Doc," he stammered, lowering Carson to his feet and stepping back. He let go of Carson's throat and Carson put a hand to it, gasping, fear in his eyes. "I don't know why I..."

Catching his breath, Carson said, "You need to be under medical supervision." His voice was rough and shaking. Rodney was too stunned to move, relief flooding him, but he worried that Ford would snap again if anybody made any sudden moves.

"He's right, Lieutenant," Elizabeth said, concern for Carson written all over her face. "We just want to know why you're suddenly feeling this way."

Ford stood still for a moment, looking poleaxed. "Okay," he said quietly, subdued. "I'll go back."

"Good, that's what you should do," Weir continued. Carson gave her a fearful look as he straightened up slowly.

"Yes, Ma'am." He nodded and Teyla headed for the infirmary. Ford followed quickly. Carson leaned back against the wall for a moment, trying to steady himself. 

Elizabeth stepped over to Carson. "Sedate him if you have to," she said, almost too softly for Rodney to hear. 

Carson nodded. "Aye." Elizabeth hurried to her office and Rodney watched as she left. Carson turned to follow Ford and Teyla. A moment later, Rodney finally got himself together enough to follow his lover.

"Are--are you okay?" he stammered, putting a hand on Carson's shoulder.

Carson cringed. "Bloody hell," he whispered.

Rodney's fingers tightened. "He -- oh god, I thought he was gonna kill you." 

Carson lagged back a bit behind Teyla and Ford. He looked into Rodney's eyes as they walked. "So did I." The fear in his eyes still hadn't subsided.

"I just--"

Carson took a deep, shuddering breath and patted Rodney's hand. "I'm sorry, love, I just don't have time right now. Please, I have to deal with this. I'll talk with you as soon as I can, all right?"

Rodney stopped, letting his hand slip from Carson's shoulder. Carson's fingers trailed over his as their hands parted. "Yeah, okay. Soon."

Carson nodded and turned away, hurrying for the infirmary.

*** 

Rodney found him in the music room a couple of hours later, head bowed, face in his hands. He moved quietly, settling himself silently in a chair next to Carson. He reached out and ghosted a gentle hand down Carson's back.

"Rodney," Carson whispered. He still sounded shaken. Rodney still was as well.

"Are you okay?" His arm slipped around Carson's waist.

Carson shook his head, then looked up at him. "No," he said quietly. "No, I'm not." He took a long, slow breath. "I never expected the lad to... god, he tried to kill me."

The next thing Rodney knew, they were standing and Carson was in his arms, shaking. "It's over, Carson," Rodney said, rubbing his back slowly up and down. "Elizabeth said you sedated him. He was nuts. God, I didn't know what to do. I thought if I said anything... I mean..." His voice faded as he tried not to think about the terror in Carson's eyes as he dangled from Ford's tightening fist.

"I just want this to be over," Carson said, his voice pleading. "I need rest, Rodney. I can't keep going like this, but there's no time. I've got to be back in the infirmary in about five minutes and--" Carson's voice cracked. "I'm... I'll be okay." He took a few deep breaths and Rodney could feel him force himself to stop shuddering.

"Come on, Carson. Somebody can cover for you. Go to bed for a few hours." He held Carson to him, rocking him just a little.

"I can't, Rodney, no more than you can right now. We've not much time left before the Wraith arrive." Carson stepped back out of Rodney's arms.

Rodney sighed sadly. He nodded. "Yeah, okay. I know. I tried." He lifted one hand, caressing Carson's cheek. "But you really look like you could use this." He leaned in and kissed Carson, soft and slow and gentle. Rodney fell into it, needing it just as much as Carson did, and Carson's mouth opened for him, their tongues touching, swirling together for a long moment.

When Carson straightened up, he nodded. "Aye, thank you. I did need that." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I love you."

"Love you, too," Rodney said as Carson turned and left. He shook his head. He had to get back to Radek and the control room. There was too much to do, but he thought Carson might be okay now, at least for a little while.

*** 

Radek leaned against the balcony railing, looking up into the brilliant red night sky as it blossomed under the Wraith bombardment. There was a bone-chilling beauty to it. Radek wondered if World War Two had been anything like this for his grandfathers. 

The sound of it thundered in his ears, muted by the shield and its distance from the city's towers. The blood flowers of exploding energy defined the entire arc of his horizon. These stolen moments before their strategy meeting were the only rest he'd had since he left Carson and Rodney's flat earlier in the day.

The Daedalus had failed. Everyone was scrambling for a solution, but Radek suspected that in the end, most of them would end up on the ship, running for their lives. 'Most of them' would probably not include him or Rodney. They would, no doubt, need to be left behind to coordinate any final efforts in the city's self-destruct. He wondered idly if they would make it to the rendezvous at the Alpha site before the Daedalus fled to Earth.

With one shaky hand, he pulled his photo of Marjeta from his pocket. She must be almost five now, he thought. It was too bad he would never see her again. He couldn't imagine a way he would live through this, return home. Radek sighed and closed his eyes, head bowing in the windless, unnatural calm beneath the shield.

"Radek." Geoff's voice was almost too soft in the muted thunder of the barrage above them. He opened his eyes and looked around, feeling more than a little guilty for taking this time away from looking for options. Geoff's face bore deep lines of stress and there was a glint of desperation in his eyes that frightened Radek. He thought perhaps Geoff's beard had gone a little greyer in the past few weeks.

He slipped the photo of his daughter back into his pocket and gestured to Geoff. His lover came to stand beside him, hands on the railing. Geoff shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other.

Radek waited, still uncertain of what to say after Geoff's angry accusations of the night before. Geoff looked at him for a long time, silent.

"Geoff," Radek finally said. He held a hand out to his lover. Geoff looked at it for a moment then took it, hesitant.

"I'm sorry," Geoff said, his voice rough with exhaustion. "I shouldn't have said those things. I-I know you care about Rodney. I just... I can't help thinking there was something he could have done." He looked away, out over the sea toward the flashing shield.

"You did not say them to Rodney, did you?" Radek squeezed Geoff's hand gently.

Geoff shook his head, still staring out at the bombardment. "No. I wanted to, but I couldn't." He took a deep breath and looked back at Radek. "I miss Peter, _miláčku_. I just... it hurts too much."

"I know."

Geoff shook his head. "I want to go home, Radek. I don't want to die here."

"If things do not change, we may not have a choice," Radek said. His heart ached. " _Miluji tě_. If we live through this, I do not wish for you to leave me."

Geoff looked like he was holding back tears. He stepped closer to Radek and took him in his arms. "If we live through this, we can go home together. I really don't give a fuck about anything else. Come to the US and live with me. We can find something. They'd take both of us on at SGC. We could work in Colorado."

Radek tugged Geoff down into a kiss, ignoring everything else for that moment. Colorado. He didn't believe he'd live to see it again, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Geoff that. While he'd prefer to stay in Atlantis if he could, if they did survive, he knew he would follow Geoff anywhere just to be with him. But he couldn't say that either, for the words would not come. Breaking away, he let one hand trail down Geoff's slender back. "I must go now. There is a meeting--"

"I know," Geoff said. He didn't look Radek in the eye. "I know." With a sigh, he touched his forehead to Radek's. Radek could feel the wet warmth of a tear striking his cheek.

"Geoff?" He looked up, surprised.

"I love you," Geoff said. "Go on. I'll see you after the meeting."

*** 

"Ford is seriously creeping me out," Rodney said nervously. 

Radek pulled his head out of the circuitry. "Oh? What now?"

"You didn't hear? He almost shot Carson in the infirmary just before the meeting." Rodney shivered, not wanting to give in to the fear.

Radek blinked at him, suddenly edgy. "And what happened? Do they have him in the brig now?"

Rodney shook his head. "No. That's what's got me worried. He's running around somewhere and nobody can find him. Carson gave him what he had of that Wraith enzyme, but what if he thinks there's more? I mean, what if he goes after Carson again? That's _twice_ he's tried... that's twice." Rodney's voice faded. "I hope Sheppard stuns his ass into next week."

Radek held out a hand, pointing to a probe. He was visibly shaking. "The Major will find him. Carson will be fine. I need that."

Rodney's hand was shaking just as badly when he handed the probe to Radek. "He'd better. Scared the crap out of me when Ford had Carson up against the wall. He's got bruises. It's just... really. I can't focus anymore."

"You will need to be in Stargate Control soon anyway, to coordinate the project." Radek stuck his head back into the circuitry. "I can finish up here. You go." Radek's voice was muffled by the surrounding metal and crystal.

Rodney stared at his back for a long minute as Radek worked, hoping it wouldn't be the last time he saw him. He reached out, almost touching, but didn't. Life was too complicated as it was. "Yeah, okay. Indispensable intellect needed in the Gateroom. Right." Turning away, he hurried to finish the last minute preparations.

His mind was more on Carson than anything else as he trotted down the stairs. The chaos of the Gateroom was more muted than it had been in the past few days now that pretty much everyone who wasn't essential to the immediate, last ditch effort to fake out the Wraith had been transferred to the Daedalus.

"We're about to see if Teyla can deliver our message," Elizabeth said as Rodney hurried in and sat down at the computer.

"Good, good," he muttered, checking his resources to be sure everything was finished and in order. Rodney heard Carson's voice over the radio.

"We're all set down here."

"Good," Elizabeth said. "We're almost ready up here. Rodney?"

Rodney looked up, finally satisfied. "Ready. Radek?"

Radek gave the go ahead, and Caldwell reported that everyone who needed to be aboard the Daedalus had boarded. Rodney wondered if they'd have time to abandon Atlantis and get to the Alpha site before the Wraith destroyed the place if their little charade didn't work.

A few moments of held breath later, Carson reported, "Elizabeth, it's done."

Seconds later, the Wraith barrage halted. The silence was eerie and Rodney shivered a bit. "Seems like they heard Teyla loud and clear. Rodney?"

"Yeah, I think I'm ready," he said. The truth was he was never going to be ready for a nuke going off less than half a mile over his head.

"You _think_?" Elizabeth snapped.

"I am _definitely_ ready, " Rodney assured her. Then the weapon was launched and Rodney was a flurry of motion, shutting down systems and slapping the blast glasses over his eyes to wait for the right moment to switch the shield over to the cloak.

There were some moments of whispered tension and suddenly the Gate started to dial. "What the hell?" Elizabeth asked. Rodney was as shocked as she was.

Sheppard bolted into the room, shouting, "Where's Ford?" as he skidded to a stop next to Rodney.

"I assume that's him in the Jumper." Rodney gestured.

Sheppard dashed down the stairs, standing near the Gate. Elizabeth gave Rodney a panicked look. "Can they detect that?" she asked.

"I don't know!" He hoped like hell the Wraith couldn't or they were fucked. Well and truly fucked, and there was absolutely no lube in the equation at all.

"Shut it down," Elizabeth shouted.

"I can't," Rodney yelped. "The Jumper's in control." Once the Jumper had dialed out, the thing was on autopilot and nothing was going to stop it going to where Ford had dialed. Not that it would do him any good once he got there, not having the ATA gene to pilot the thing.

Sheppard glared up into the Jumper's cockpit. "Ford, stand down! This is a direct order!" Obviously, Ford ignored him because the Jumper slipped through the puddle and left Sheppard standing there, gaping. A moment later, he looked up at Rodney. "Where the hell is he going?"

"It won't matter if the Wraith can detect the Gate activity through the cloak!" Elizabeth shouted.

Rodney looked up toward the ceiling. "There's only one way to know."

Everyone held their breath for a few moments, but not a single shot was fired by the Wraith armada. A few heartbeats later, Caldwell's voice sounded on the radio. "This is the Daedalus. Our sensors indicate the Wraith fleet is breaking orbit."

Rodney looked at his own sensors, heart hammering, hoping Caldwell was right. "I can confirm that," he said once he'd seen it with his own eyes. "They're headed for hyperspace." He jittered for a few seconds. "Look, I'm gonna keep the cloak up for a while just to be sure, but... uh... I think they bought it."

Elizabeth got up and went down by the Gate to join Sheppard. "The Gate address will be in the log--"

"It doesn't matter where he goes," Sheppard said, shaking his head. "The second he gets to wherever he's going, he's gonna ditch the Jumper, turn around, and dial another Gate address -- one we can't trace." He looked defeated. Rodney decided he really really hated that look on the Major's face.

"Hey," Elizabeth said gently, "at least we're still around to try."

"Yeah," Sheppard snorted. He turned and climbed the stairs to join Rodney.

Rodney looked at him for a moment then blinked. "Wait a minute. Ford was in the Jumper bay, so why didn't --" He bolted to his feet. "Oh, shit. Radek!" He slapped his radio as he ran. "Radek, you there?" There was no answer. "Carson!" he shouted, "we need somebody in the Jumper bay!"

Sheppard was at his heels and he could hear Carson's voice. "On my way!" That, at least, was a relief, but he still hadn't got a response from Radek.

When he saw Radek's fallen body on the floor behind the Jumper they'd been working on, Rodney's heart nearly stopped. "No. Nononononono," he muttered, dropping to his knees next to his friend. A moment later, he found a pulse. "Oh, thank you," he gasped.

"He still alive?" Sheppard asked, kneeling beside them.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah, but who knows what Ford did to him. He tried to kill Carson _twice_ today. When I saw..."

Sheppard patted his shoulder. "I think the Doc will be okay, Rodney."

"You think! What university granted your medical degree?" Rodney glared at him. "Don't touch him. Wait until Carson gets here. What if Ford did something to his spine or something? I mean, if we try to move him, we could kill him, right?"

Radek groaned and his eyes fluttered open. "Do not bury me just yet, Rodney," he mumbled. Rodney was shaking so hard he could barely focus. 

"No, no, of course not. Are you okay?" He took Radek's hand and squeezed.

"My face hurts. No, I am not okay."

"Well, yeah, right, okay. Face hurting. Got it. Carson's on the way." Rodney smiled a little when Radek squeezed his hand back.

Sheppard got up to make room for Carson and the medical team as they arrived. "What happened?" Carson asked.

"Ford," Sheppard said.

"I think he punched me," Radek said. "Not sure. I was not looking and suddenly I am on the ground with Rodney pawing me."

Carson knelt with them. "Let me get a look at you, mo chara."

"Where are my glasses?" Radek asked. Rodney looked around and spotted them lying a few feet away. They were bent but not broken.

"Over here," he said. He got them while Carson examined Radek. Fiddling with them, he bent them back into shape. They weren't exactly good as new, but they'd do for the moment. It wasn't like Radek needed them right then.

"Well, I think you've a mild concussion," Carson said. "Let's get him up on the gurney, lads," Carson said to his staff. 

Shel Tuchman nodded. "Right away."

"Wait, wait," Radek said, reaching out for Rodney. "We are safe? The plan worked?"

"Not dead," Rodney said.

Radek blinked. "Oh. Right."

"Rodney," Carson said, "I want you in the infirmary as well. Now that the immediate crisis is over, you'll be needing to rest. And I don't doubt there'll be a day or so of withdrawal to worry about as well. Stimulants are ugly things to mess about with, and they've been mucking about in your system for days now. You're shaking like you've a palsy."

Rodney sighed. "Bed. Sandwich. I want the biggest sandwich known to humanity, in this or any other galaxy. Seriously." He followed Carson and his voodoo parade out of the Jumper bay.

*** 

Geoff Osbourne paced outside the infirmary, exhausted but unwilling to leave. The place was still too crowded for the staff to let anyone in who wasn't injured. Radek was in there, apparently in the throes of amphetamine withdrawal. And so, he'd heard, were McKay and Carson.

The only thing he really knew was that Radek had been hurt when Ford stole a Puddle Jumper. Shel had assured him that Radek only had a mild concussion, but the stimulant withdrawal was complicating things. He couldn't help worrying.

When Shel appeared at the door again, he grabbed her wrist. "What's happening," he asked. "Please, I really need to know."

She gave him a soft, exhausted smile. "I came to let you in. We've finally cleared a little space. But you have to just sit by the bed. There's no room for anything else. I've got the three of them in an isolation room. Carson's been trying to get up and help, and this was the only way to ensure he would stay in bed."

Geoff nodded. "Okay. I can do that." He was uneasy about having to sit with Rodney as well, but if he could be by Radek's side, that would be enough for now.

He followed Shel through the infirmary, shocked by the sheer number of people in beds and sitting in every available chair. "We've been sending people back to their quarters if they're stable and have someone to look out for them," Shel said, "but with Carson and Rodney and Radek, they need to be monitored. The withdrawal's been bad so far."

"How bad?" Geoff asked quietly. He was almost afraid to find out. Spending five hours waiting outside the infirmary after he'd finally been allowed to disembark from the Daedalus had worn on him and he was sure he would pass out on his feet if he'd had to wait much longer.

"Nausea and dehydration are just the beginning," Shel said, opening a door. She gestured inside, speaking very quietly. "They're finally all asleep. We had to sedate them. Had to strap Carson down, he was thrashing so much. It's bad."

"Sedate them?" Geoff stepped into the room. "I thought Radek had a concussion."

"Very mild, nothing to worry about." She gestured to the chair. "Don't disturb them."

He nodded and went to sit down. The lights were dim, and the sound of monitors beeping and humming was the only thing he could hear. It wasn't until he got closer that he could see just how bad the three of them looked. Carson was twitching under the restraints. Rodney's head was moving restlessly. Radek lay still as death, a huge bruise covering half his face.

"Oh, god, Radek," Geoff whispered. He sat and took his lover's hand. The other had an IV in it with several bags attached. He hoped it looked a lot worse than it was, but Shel's words hadn't been reassuring.

Radek's hand was cold. It was far too much like the last time Geoff had sat with his lover in the infirmary. He'd been in a coma that time, and his stillness was far too familiar. Geoff shuddered. "I'm so sorry, _miláčku_ ," he said softly, resting his forehead on Radek's shoulder.

Slipping an arm around Radek's chest, he held him for a long time, trying not to cry. Geoff listened to Radek's heart beat, too rapid for a man who was supposed to be sedated. Everything was wrong. He wondered if he would lose Radek as he'd lost Peter so suddenly.

Why had Rodney left him in the satellite? Peter had been Rodney's friend. If he could do that to Peter, he could do it to anyone. He could do it to Radek. It chilled Geoff, curdling his empty stomach. He choked back a silent sob.

"Why did you do it?" he whispered, looking over at Rodney. Rodney's face was slicked with sweat, his hair plastered flat with it. He looked pale and fragile in the dim light. "Why did you have to leave him?"

He got up, reluctantly letting go of Radek's hand, to stand beside Rodney's bed. Rodney was mumbling something under his breath, incoherent as Geoff stood over him.

"I thought you were Peter's friend. I thought you actually cared about him, Rodney. What happens when it's Radek's turn? Will you leave him to die too?" Geoff blinked back tears, keeping his voice to a rough whisper.

Rodney, of course, didn't reply. His head moved side to side, restless in his drugged sleep. Geoff wanted to hate the man, but couldn't. He knew first hand how hard Rodney tried, and how much he hid from most people.

As Geoff stood there, Rodney's eyes opened a tiny slit. "Geoff," he rasped. Geoff froze, not sure what to say. "I..." Rodney licked his lips and took a sharp breath. "God, Peter." His voice cracked.

"Why?" Geoff asked, trying to hold himself together.

"Sorry, sorry," Rodney whined. His eyes closed and he muttered again, incoherent this time.

His head spun, nausea grabbing him solidly in the gut. Nothing made any sense anymore. Geoff collapsed into the chair between Rodney and Radek's beds and sobbed into his hands.

*** 

Ford was holding the gun on him and the infirmary was in chaos and Carson was holding his breath waiting for the bullet. Ford's fist was tightening around his throat and Carson couldn't breathe and all he could do was watch as Rodney stood there, terrified.

Carson thrashed, trying to get away, but he was held too tightly, tied down, cold and wet and the Genii were watching them and god, where was Rodney? He screamed.

His eyes opened in the dim room but he still couldn't move. He could feel the ice of the IV in his hand running chill up his arm and a familiar voice was saying his name softly. There was a hand on his forehead, and it took a moment to focus. It was Geoff, looking upset and exhausted.

"It's okay, Carson, it's just a nightmare. Shel said you might have them. Please, calm down. Relax."

"Can't move," Carson said, his voice barely there. "Can't... why?"

Geoff's warm hand caressed his face. "They had to restrain you. You've been thrashing and they were afraid you'd pull the IV and hurt yourself."

Carson was dimly aware that he ached everywhere and his heart was hammering like the hooves of a galloping herd of horses. His head was pounding, mouth and eyes dry. "Water," he croaked. "Please."

Geoff let him have a few sips. "I'm gonna call Shel," he said. "Just rest, okay?"

Carson nodded wearily. Everything was fuzzy around the edges. He had a vague awareness that he'd been sedated after he'd treated Radek's injuries, but he didn't remember much after that. He'd had too many stimulants in the days leading up to the siege. His body twitched uncontrollably, and he grit his teeth against the pain.

Rodney. Was Rodney all right? He looked around. There in the bed next to him was Radek. On the other side of Radek's bed, Rodney lay, his head moving restlessly. He was muttering softly, but Carson couldn't make out any of the words.

"Rodney." Carson shuddered as cramps shot through his chest and abdomen. His eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenching hard again. When he opened his eyes, gasping in agony, Shel was there.

"Carson," she said, "I need you to open your mouth. I want to get a bite guard in there so you don't hurt yourself."

Carson nodded, but it was an effort. When Shel finally got the guard between his teeth, it eased some of the stress in his jaw. He breathed hard through his nose, trying to calm down.

"Anand said I could give you a little more sedative, Carson," Shel told him. Carson nodded. The panic rising in him was too much to bear. He wanted to scream, but his throat already hurt from the last one.

She ran a cool, damp cloth over his exposed skin. "It's been about a day," she said. "You were going into stimulant toxicity and you've had a few minor seizures. We think you'll start feeling better in a day or so." Following his eyes to Rodney's bed, she added, "He's been in and out, but it's been rough. Radek's been vomiting. The concussion hasn't helped at all."

Carson nodded again and closed his eyes. He twitched, a whimper escaping him all unwilling. "You'll be all right, Carson," Geoff said. He took Carson's hand and held it tight. "Just hang on. It'll be over soon."

Toxicity. It explained so much. He'd been worried that Rodney and Radek would be suffering from it, but he'd neglected to be so careful with himself. Carson moaned softly, wishing it was over. With enough sedative in his system, maybe he'd sleep through the worst of it. 

Geoff's warm hand caressed Carson's chest. "You'll be all right. You have to be." There was a pleading tone in Geoff's voice. "I've lost too much lately. I don't want to lose anyone else," he whispered.

Carson tried to talk to him, but the bite guard muffled everything. He squeezed the hand Geoff had in his. Such a good man, he thought. Radek was lucky to have him. He wished Rodney could be sitting with him like this, touching him, close and whispering to him.

Tears burned their way down his cheek, and Geoff brushed them away. "Sleep," he said softly. "Just sleep."

*** 

Elizabeth sat wearily at her desk as John Sheppard paced her office. "He'll be here soon, John," she said. "Please, take a seat. You're making me nervous."

"Just worried," he said. He made a vague gesture toward the infirmary.

"I know. Everyone is. Not having three of our most essential people on their feet is a blow to the city." She sighed and rested her chin on one hand, playing idly with her coffee cup with the other.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Colonel Caldwell said. "A slight delay aboard the Daedalus."

"Please, Colonel," Elizabeth said, "have a seat." Caldwell and Sheppard both sat, eyeing each other with a note of predatory competition that made her uncomfortable. "I understand you had some news for us from Stargate Command."

Caldwell nodded. "Yes. It didn't seem appropriate to deal with this before the crisis was averted." He leaned back in his chair. "General Landry has directed you and your senior staff to return to Earth for a week of debriefing and to choose new personnel for an expanded Atlantis expedition. We know that you need to replace personnel who were... lost," he said gently. "And since contact will now be much easier for you, and the Daedalus will be available for transport, you'll be able to rotate personnel in and out on a regular basis."

Elizabeth nodded. "Thank you, Colonel. That's greatly appreciated." Sheppard nodded as well.

"What will they do about the military command of the expedition," he asked.

Caldwell looked over at him, his face guarded. "That will be decided once the situation has been thoroughly considered after your reports on Earth." He looked back at Elizabeth. "Additionally, each of you has been granted two weeks leave time on Earth, to allow for Daedalus travel time and your personal business. Without the ZPM, the Asgard hyperdrive will take eighteen days between Earth and Pegasus."

"So you're saying we'll be gone for almost six weeks," she said.

"Correct." Caldwell nodded. "You'll need to alert all your personnel. SGC has authorized shipments of personal goods and will arrange resupplies of both military and civilian items for all Atlantis personnel. They can write home and have anything they want from their storage spaces shipped to them, within reason." 

"That sounds good," Sheppard said, allowing a slight smile to cross his lips. "Been wanting to get my music collection up here. I miss my cd's."

Elizabeth sipped her coffee. "And when will we need to be ready to return to Earth? There's still a good deal of unfinished business here after the Wraith attacks, not to mention the situation with Doctors McKay and Beckett. Dr. Chanrapurna says neither of them are likely to be feeling well enough for more than light duty for another two to three days."

"Understood," Caldwell said. "The situation called for extreme measures and no one will look upon their condition with anything but the highest respect. Given the need to deal with urgent situations on Atlantis, we have a week before you should report to Earth through the Gate. Daedalus is certainly flight ready, but she's not fully repaired, nor is she quite in shape for a lengthy hyperspace run. It will probably take most of that time to get her ready for the run back to Earth."

"Very well," Elizabeth said. "Was there anything else you needed?"

Caldwell shook his head. "Not at the moment, Ma'am." He stood. "So if you don't mind, I'll take my leave of you and get back to the Daedalus. I have a great deal of repair work to oversee."

Elizabeth and Sheppard stood as well. "Thank you, Colonel. Your news is a relief. And, just so you and your people know, there will be a memorial service tomorrow evening on the south pier. I know you lost some people in the fight, just as we did."

He nodded. "Yes, thank you, Dr. Weir. I'll let my people know." With that, he turned and headed out.

Sheppard sighed and looked at Elizabeth. "They're never gonna let me keep command of the Atlantis military contingent," he said.

Elizabeth smiled at him. "Don't be too sure of that," she said.

*** 

There were large clay pots of Athosian incense burning all around the south pier. It smelled of earth and musk and, somehow, that seemed appropriate. Rob Stackhouse moved through the crowd, uncertain. The missing faces weighed heavily on him. Too many people he'd known were gone -- friends and co-workers. And Jackson De Lancie.

He'd never see the spark in those deep brown eyes again; never hear his lover's crooning blues like the sound of a bayou night. The guitar Jacks brought from Earth was sitting in Rob's quarters, a stark reminder of everything he'd lost.

Erin Siwicki was playing a reed flute she'd made when she was living with the Athosians on the mainland a few months back. The tune was haunting and filled with the grief he felt. He didn't know anyone who wasn't grieving for the fallen, for the Taken. Halling was standing near the front of the crowd, just watching, waiting for some sign to begin. Perhaps it was the first star of night to light the dusk.

The sound of the reed flute faded with the light, falling into silence as the last rays of sunlight touched the sea's dark horizon. Halling raised his hands. "This night, we come to remember those we have lost." He took a deep, shuddering breath.

"For the people of Earth, there have been many lives lost, and many Taken. For the people of Athos, even our homeworld is a memory now. We join together in our sorrow, one family."

Teyla stepped forward and sang something in Ancient that had the Athosians singing with her, tears on their faces. People stood together, holding each other, remembering. She had a beautiful voice. It was something Rob would never have expected.

Dr. Weir came up next, reading the names of those who had died or were missing: Atlanteans, Athosians, Everett's people and Daedalus crew. The litany was too long, so many faces fresh in Rob's mind, and he couldn't help the sob that escaped him when she read Jackson's name among the dead. Wen Lin Yao was standing with him, holding his hand, crying with him. Fran Lopez, one of her girlfriends, got up and sang the Ave Maria after the list was read, and Harry Gelbman, the cantor, sang something in Hebrew that Rob didn't understand.

There were more songs in different languages, all of them sorrowful. People got up to tell stories about the people they'd lost, one by one as the darkness deepened. The Athosians lit candles and passed them around to everyone, and it seemed fitting to remember the dead like this.

At last, Halling came to the front of the group again. "Life is filled with darkness," he said, "but our love is a beacon for those who have gone. May we remember them with love and with light."

Finally, he placed the candle he held on a table between two pots of incense. Athosians started moving forward, placing their candles on the table as well, and Rob and the others joined them. With tears in his eyes, he placed his candle on the table among the others. There must have been over two hundred candles glowing in the night.

"I love you Jacks," he whispered. "I'll miss you." He turned from the candle-lit table and walked into the night alone.

*** 

"We'll be going back to Earth in a week," Carson said softly, not sure he could quite believe it.

Rodney nodded. "I can't believe Elizabeth wants to leave Radek and Teyla in charge." He huddled under the covers, looking at Carson. Neither of them felt well enough to return to work yet. The depression that was a side effect of the stimulant withdrawal had been hitting both of them hard.

"I can't believe we're really going." He turned in Rodney's arms, not feeling quite himself.

Rodney pressed his forehead to Carson's. "You're coming back to Atlantis, right?" The question was tentative and uneasy.

Carson sighed and held him tight. "I don't know."

"Please don't say that." Rodney's eyes closed. "Please don't say you won't come back with me."

Carson nuzzled Rodney's face and kissed him, wanting to avoid any answers. He loved Rodney, but he wasn't sure he could face everything that had happened here in Atlantis. Rodney's mouth was warm and wet, a welcome distraction from his thoughts and fears.

"I need you here with me," Rodney insisted. 

"I want to take you home to see my mum," Carson said. "Just like I promised before." He let his hand drift along Rodney's cheek. "I just don't know how I feel right now, _mo leannan_. I want to be with you. I don't know if I want to be here."

Rodney's eyes opened, alarmed, and he took several quick breaths. "Okay, okay. I guess... I mean, maybe I can deal with that. Here, back on Earth, whatever. But with me, okay? I need you with me."

Carson nodded. "With you, love." His fingers slipped into Rodney's soft, short hair and he traced the curve of his ear.

"I wonder if Jeannie... I wonder if she'll see me," Rodney whispered, his eyes losing focus.

"I'm sure she will. She's your only sister. She must want to see you again."

Rodney rested his face against Carson's neck. "You know how long it's been since I've seen her. Really, Carson, my family's just not that big on the whole affection thing."

"Mine has enough for both of us," Carson said softly. "We'll try to see Jeannie, spend a week in Canada for you and a week in Scotland for me. It'll work out."

Rodney kissed Carson's neck, lips moving slow and gentle on his skin. "Stop talking about it. I don't want to think about it. All I want to think about right now is you."

They kissed again, slow and sensual, and Carson tried to stop worrying about everything happening around them. It had been so long since they'd made love. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a night to themselves without some horror hanging over them.

Rodney rolled to pin him to the bed. "Missed this," he sighed. "Missed just being with you, touching you."

"It's been too long, aye," Carson said, letting his neck stretch a bit as he laid his head back. Rodney nuzzled his exposed throat, licking his way from the hollow there up to the point of his chin. It felt wonderful, soft and warm and a little damp.

"Don't want to lose you," Rodney whispered against his skin. "Don't want to be without you. God, I need you."

"Rodney." Carson gasped as Rodney bit at his throat, sharp teeth gentle on him. His hands slipped up Rodney's back to his broad, strong shoulders and Carson arched against his lover.

Rodney's hips slipped between Carson's thighs and they moved together carefully. Carson savored the feeling of skin and hair and warmth against him, Rodney's body pressing in on him everywhere. After being so exhausted for so long, he was almost surprised to feel himself hardening in response to the sensations.

"Yes," Rodney hissed, peppering Carson's face with kisses. "Feels so good. Please, just touch me."

Carson raised a knee, caressing Rodney's side with the inside of his thigh. He slid the arch of one foot along the back of Rodney's leg and Rodney moaned. He could feel Rodney getting hard as well, a welcome feeling against his own thickening cock.

"Slow, love," Carson whispered as Rodney ground against him, their hips moving in rhythm. "We've time enough." He kissed Rodney again, open-mouthed, swirling his tongue in his lover's mouth, just tasting. It was good; so warm and comfortable and deep.

Rodney whimpered quietly into Carson's mouth, tightening his fingers on Carson's shoulders. Carson's hands explored Rodney's back and sides, slipping down to caress the arc of his arse. He held on, pulling Rodney into him and rocking against his lover, moaning.

"Want you," Rodney gasped. His eyes were closed and his face was a mask of pleasure, lips parted just a bit. The sight left Carson's shaft throbbing, heart racing with the depth of his desire.

Everything around them fell away as Rodney's hands moved on Carson's body. He loved this, loved Rodney's touch and how he tasted and the scent of his skin and his arousal. The warmth of their bodies moving together was overwhelming after so long without.

Rodney's mouth moved along his shoulder, down his chest, and Rodney backed away a little as he licked and sucked Carson's skin. When he drew one hard nipple into his mouth, Carson gasped again. Pleasure shot through him and he writhed slowly under Rodney's weight.

"Oh yeah, make that sound again," Rodney begged, then leaned back down and bit the nipple again gently. Carson's groan was louder this time and he bucked under Rodney, pulling at his hips with both hands.

"Oh, god, Rodney," Carson gasped. "Love me, please. I want you in me." Rodney's mouth on his other nipple drew a keening cry from him. "Oh, harder love," he pleaded then almost came as Rodney bit down more. Carson shouted, fingers pressing hard into Rodney's flesh.

"Not yet," Rodney said, gasping. "God you're gorgeous like this." He licked his way further down Carson's body, tongue exploring his belly, hands moving slowly. Carson thought he might die from wanting Rodney so badly.

Then there was Rodney's hand, slick on Carson's cock, stroking him slowly -- god, so slowly -- driving him mad with need. Clever, strong fingers on his balls and tracing his opening and Carson keened again, spreading his legs open for his lover. He wanted this, needed it so much. "Rodney, Rodney," he panted. "Please, _mo leannan_."

Rodney's mouth came down on the head of Carson's cock, tongue slipping under the foreskin, swirling and teasing and Carson moaned, eyes tight shut as he just let himself feel. Rodney made a hungry sound and slowly lowered his mouth down Carson's shaft, taking him into the wet heat. It left Carson shaking and near tears, barely in control.

His fingers clenched on Rodney's shoulders, nails digging in, and Rodney hissed, a cold slip of air along the fire of his hardness. Carson whined, unable to stop himself. "Please," he gasped, his voice trembling as much as his body.

One finger slipped inside him as Rodney moved, god, too slowly, up and down Carson's shaft. He moaned Rodney's name, pleasure rolling through him in waves. He'd needed this so much and it was like Rodney was conquering every cell in his body. Carson surrendered, shuddering, letting Rodney's finger delve deeper as he got close to the edge.

He lay there, open, utterly vulnerable as Rodney sucked and licked his shaft. Fingers caressed his balls as they tightened to his body, but Rodney gently pulled them down, easing him away from the precipice. Carson was close, so close, but he wanted more than a finger inside him when he came. Words fell, jumbled, from his lips as he pleaded for more.

Rodney's movements were slow and tender, coaxing every last erg of sensual energy from Carson's sensitive, responsive body. The sounds Rodney made, of heat and pleasure and desire, only deepened Carson's need. He wanted more, needed Rodney inside him; he bit his lip trying to keep from coming.

Then Rodney moved up his body, chest moving over Carson's belly and he nipped at Carson's neck. His finger slipped away from Carson's pucker and Carson sighed, "Oh, yes," as the thick head of Rodney's shaft was there now instead. He didn't care that he whimpered as Rodney entered him. Rodney's moan was loud enough to cover it, deep and shaking as Rodney's body trembled for a moment.

"Carson." It was a quiet, drawn out groan, and Rodney's weight rested on him as he thrust in to his full length. Carson wrapped his legs around Rodney, his hands wrapped around his lover's shoulders, and he rocked into the thrust with a gasp.

"Oh, god, I love you." Rodney's voice was muffled against Carson's neck and all Carson could do was cry out as Rodney began moving. It was wild and intense and he came so hard and so fast that he nearly blacked out, but Rodney kept rocking into him, pounding into his body desperately and making insanely erotic sounds that kept Carson clinging to his lover with all his strength.

When Rodney finally came, it was with a feral sound deep in his chest and he shuddered as his hips gave a few final, jittering thrusts. There were no words. They lay tangled together, panting, Carson's eyes closed but seeing stars. 

They were alive. They were still alive, and they were going home.

Carson smiled, tears running down his face. " _Mo leannan_ ," he whispered.

~~pau~~

**Author's Note:**

> Miláčku -- my love  
> Bože, ach bože, to bylo strašný -- god, oh god, it was horrible!  
> Miluji tě -- I love you
> 
> Gaelic in the story:
> 
> Mo leannan -- my love  
> Mo chara -- my friend


End file.
